So I've been told that blogging is a great way to get things off my mind. We shall see.
But first I would like to start out by telling you that I'm no english major that I barely graduated High School and that I can't spell worth beans. SOOO yeah don't expect me to be all Jane Auston or Emily Bronte because that isn't me. So get over it.
So have you ever heard of Lewis B. Smedes? Neither have I. This Smedes guy apparintly said "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you" Let me just say... WOW! That is some great stuff. We could all learn alot from this quote. Especailly me. Heres the thing I am quick to forgive but I will hold a grudge for a very very long time. Wich if you think about it, its not really forgiving then is it?
So how do I go about forgiving things that I have been carying? Where do I start? How about... How do you forgive a mother who chose drugs and alcohol over her daughter? Here is the thing... I know it wasn't her. It was the addiction. Many people have told me "no its her she knew what she was doing." I really dont think it was her. When someone becomes an addict to alcohol and/or drugs they loose all sense in what is right an wrong. They are over powered by having something inside them I mean deep deep down inside them overpowering their knowledge of good and evil. I like to compair it to the ping pong and bowling ball annalogy... Wich I just made up in my head right now... So you have a bucket of gel (wich is you) and you have a bowling ball (your child) and a ping pong ball (your addiction) and you take both ping pong and bowling ball (keep in mind that you have had the ping pong ball longer than you have had the bowling ball) and you place them into the gel. Of course the bowling ball just out weighs the gell by alot and sinks to the bottom while the ping pong ball is as light as a feather and just sits ontop of the gel. The whole point of this annalogy is to show that the addiction is much easier to deal with then the baby. I mean its not as heavy and its kind of cute (the ping pong ball)... And all the while you have this heavy weight of a bowling ball just crying and whining, while the ping pong ball relaxes you and takes you away from all your problems. I dont expect any of you to understand what I'm saying. (Remember that this whole blog thing is to get stuff off my chest.)
But looking back at everything my mom has been through, its alot to carry and when I came into the picture it was like the last straw that broke the camels back... granted she had been doing crazy stuff WAY before I was a twinkle in her eye. But she is human and humans make mistakes and I forgive her. She is trying to make better of her life now and if she wants to make me part of it or not, is totally up to her. Im ok with which ever she chooses. I know that God put me here for a reason and if that is to help her then OK! or if I was put here on this earth to help the homeless dude at the on ramp to 880 s from where I work then FINE! so be it. I am just done judging.
I dont want to be a prisoner of my unwillingness to forgive or my ablity to hold a grudge.
Till next time...
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